Faking wellness. I’ve been showing up sick at work all week; not contagious (I think), but just not well. When people ask if I’m feeling ok, I just tell them I have a lingering cold. Having a “lingering cold,” is pretty acceptable this time of year. What I haven’t been telling people is that I have some unexplained hearing loss, that the fatigue is back, and that I am schlepping from doctor to doctor in a quest to find out why I’ve had more or less unrelenting “colds” for the past year. I’m not exactly pretending, I’m just making my illness more digestible for others. In her book, “In the Kingdom of the Sick,” Laurie Edwards talks about the phenomena of “faking wellness.” Chronic, unexplained illness is boring for me and, I think, ridiculously tedious for others to hear about. I find I pick and choose the situations in which I cop to being sick and those in which I tell people I’m feeling, “fine.” I have a small group of people that know about my endless quest for better health, but mostly I fake “well” or at least I fake “not sick.” Usually I’m ok with this choice, but sometimes I wonder if I’m isolating myself by not being honest. Am I being a good friend by not burdening people or am I cutting myself off from intimacy? I’m not always sure. Do you tell people when your symptoms get bad or just “fake well?” I’d love to hear how you manage.
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I stopped looking for my purpose and started living purposefully. I spent many years trying to find my true purpose in life – I know I’m not alone here. I wrote long, agonizing journal entries, I prayed, I chanted, I meditated, I took seminars, and pop quizzes. Whatever I did, there did not seem to be a definitive answer. What helped the most was getting cancer, almost dying, and going through the cleansing fire of intense chemotherapy. (I don’t recommend this method, by the way). I know what you’re thinking: I am so lucky to have had a life-changing experience to set me on my path. Not everyone gets that opportunity. Over the years I’ve thought a lot about the conflict between living an authentic life and paying the rent. I’ve had multiple people advise me that if I pursued my passion, the laws of a benevolent universe would somehow ensure that enough money showed up to repair my car and buy groceries as needed. I have almost always scoffed at this piece of advice, but there were a few months when I experimented with this. I quit my job and wholeheartedly pursued a business I loved. Unfortunately, things did not work out for me; after a few months I found myself very broke, in debt, and forced to take a job that was definitely not my passion.
Ok, it's possible that I did not do things right; maybe this only works if you are also doing something else that pays the rent while you pursue your passion. I don't know. Maybe my anxiety after the first month meant that I was not able to give myself over to the process. I do know that this did not really work for me. I think there are a lot of ways to make money at whatever it is you love to do. I wholeheartedly urge you to follow your passion. You love to make cute throw pillows, do Morris dancing, make wooden models of submarines? Great. You should do those things with all your heart. Teach classes, enter competitions, get an Etsy site – there are lots of ways to make money doing what you love. But as thousands of fantastic musicians will tell you, you will not always get rich doing what you love. It may, in fact, be damned hard to make a living doing what you love. I am not saying, "Don't follow your dreams." I am saying that it is a not fair to tell you that following your dreams will – by some magic formula – lead to financial success. Following your dreams will hopefully lead to something that money can’t buy – inner peace, satisfaction, and the knowledge of a life lived with authenticity. If I wrote a book on this topic, I’d title it: How to do what you love and make enough money to be able to keep doing it. Not as catchy, but it feels like good advice. Sometimes I'm even too embarrassed to post things on social media in case I sound pathetic. One of the best ways to sabotage our happiness is to question it and start picking it apart. Instead of just relaxing into a great moment, we start wondering if it's really so great. Maybe it could be better?
I am an expert at doing this; right in the middle of something really great I’ll start thinking, "Are these people really enjoying being here with me? Do they wish they were somewhere else? Am I lame for enjoying this- after all it’s just a (work party, family gathering, walk with my husband, tea with my friend, fill in the blank). My life must be really boring if I think this is great. Facebook has really fed into this phenomena by making me think everyone else is doing really cool things all the time while I’m just… see list above. Sometimes I'm even too embarrassed to post the fun things I'm doing in case it sounds pathetic. Talk about sabotaging myself! I know I'm not alone here. A recent study published by Plos One discovered a direct link between time spent on social media sites and declining happiness in young adults (Kross E, Verduyn P, Demiralp E, Park J, Lee DS, et al. (2013) Facebook Use Predicts Declines in Subjective Well-Being in Young Adults. PLoS ONE 8(8): e69841. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0069841). One theory for this outcome is the "comparison affect," whereby seeing lots of pictures of your virtual friends at amusement parks and beaches makes you feel worse about your life. I buy that theory because I know it happens to me. The reality is if I’m enjoying myself what possible difference can it make what other people think? More importantly, people are much more concerned about what they are doing and if you think that's cool than about what you are doing. Another bit of truth: others believe whatever you believe about your life. If you think that a rental cabin on a local lake is the best vacation ever and you talk about how much you enjoy it, other people will think it’s awesome too. At least the people who matter and isn't that really what you want? So stop sabotaging your life. Enjoy whatever it is you enjoy this weekend and don't worry about how it will look when you post it. |
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